Perspective
Being told "it's not that bad" or "you're overreacting" is common for neurodivergent people. Here is how to recognize it, understand why it happens, and begin to trust yourself again.
Let me start with a question: How many times have you been told these things?
If you are neurodivergent - autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent - I am guessing you have heard some variation of these phrases many, many times.
At first, you might push back. "Yes it IS that loud." "No, I am not being too sensitive - I actually feel this." But over time, if you hear it enough, you start to wonder.
Maybe they are right.
Maybe it is not that bad.
Maybe I am the problem.
This is gaslighting. And for neurodivergent people, it is not just something that happens in abusive relationships. It is systemic. It happens with parents, teachers, doctors, bosses, friends, and partners. It happens so gradually and so consistently that you might not even realize it is happening.
Until one day, you cannot trust your own perceptions anymore.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone makes you question your own reality, memories, or perceptions. The term comes from a 1938 play called "Gas Light," where a husband manipulates his environment (dimming the gas lights) and then tells his wife she is imagining it.
When the lights flicker and she says, "Did you see that?" he responds, "See what? The lights are fine. You must be tired."
Over time, she starts to believe she is going crazy.
This is what happens to neurodivergent people every day, but usually not from an intentional abuser. Often, it comes from people who genuinely care about us but do not understand how our brains work.
Sometimes, it even comes from professionals - doctors, therapists, teachers - who should know better.
For neurodivergent folks, gaslighting is not just about one person manipulating us. It is about living in a world that was not built for our brains, and constantly getting the message that our experiences are invalid.
Here are some common ways it shows up:
This is probably the most common form for autistic people.
You say: "That fluorescent light is hurting my eyes."
They say: "What are you talking about? It's fine. Everyone else is okay."
Or:
You say: "This restaurant is too loud. I cannot hear myself think."
They say: "It's not that bad. You'll get used to it."
The message: Your sensory experiences are not real. You should be able to tolerate what everyone else tolerates.
For me, this means I wear headphones to noisy restaurants so I can still enjoy the food and company while keeping my nervous system regulated. It is not "being rude" or "not participating." It is self-care. It is the only way I can be present without feeling overwhelmed.
This happens with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD), emotional regulation differences, or just feeling things more intensely.
You say: "I am so hurt by what they said."
They say: "You are taking this too personally. They did not mean it that way."
Or:
You say: "I cannot stop crying about this."
They say: "Just let it go. It is not worth getting upset over."
The message: Your feelings are too much. You should feel what everyone else feels, in the intensity everyone else feels it.
This is the "you are just lazy" or "you just need to try harder" gaslighting.
You say: "I cannot make myself start this task, even though I want to."
They say: "Everyone has to do things they do not want to do. Just do it."
Or:
You say: "I forgot again. I really tried to remember."
They say: "If you cared more, you would remember. You need to get your priorities straight."
The message: Your executive dysfunction is a choice. You could do it if you really wanted to. You are being irresponsible.
This one is particularly harmful because it comes from people we are supposed to trust.
You say: "I am exhausted all the time. I cannot get out of bed some days."
Doctor says: "Have you tried exercise? Maybe you are just depressed."
Or:
You say: "My heart is racing, my chest hurts, I think I am having an anxiety attack."
They say: "It is just anxiety. You are fine. Breathe."
Or, my personal favorite:
You: Describes multiple autistic traits
Doctor: "Everyone is a little autistic. You seem fine to me."
The message: Your symptoms are not real, or not that bad. You are probably fine. Or it is "just anxiety" or "just stress."
This one deserves its own category.
"Everyone gets anxious sometimes."
"Everyone forgets things."
"Everyone struggles with motivation."
"Everyone hates small talk."
And the worst one: "Everyone is a little ADHD / autistic / bipolar."
No. Everyone is NOT a little neurodivergent. Everyone has experiences that overlap with neurodivergent traits, but that is not the same as having a neurotype that affects every single area of your life, every single day.
Saying "everyone is a little autistic" to an autistic person is like saying "everyone is a little pregnant" to someone who is actually pregnant. It minimizes a profound, life-altering experience.
The message: Your differences are not that significant. You are basically normal. You should stop making a big deal out of it.
When you hear these messages your whole life, they do not just bounce off. They sink in. They become part of how you see yourself.
Here is what happens:
This is the biggest one. If everyone keeps telling you your perceptions are wrong, eventually you start to believe them.
You might find yourself asking:
Self-trust is the foundation of self-esteem. When you cannot trust your own perceptions, everything else crumbles.
Making decisions becomes agonizing because you do not trust your own judgment.
Should I say something about this, or am I overreacting? Should I leave this situation, or is it actually fine? Should I ask for accommodation, or am I being too much?
This constant second-guessing is exhausting. It uses up so much mental energy that could be used for other things.
When something goes wrong, your first thought is: What did I do wrong? How did I mess this up?
Someone cancels plans? You must have said something wrong. Someone seems upset? You probably did something to upset them. A situation feels overwhelming? You are just not trying hard enough.
This self-blame becomes a habit. It is how you make sense of a world that keeps telling you that you are the problem.
When you spend decades questioning your own reality, you start to lose connection with yourself.
What do I actually like? What do I actually need? What are my actual boundaries?
If you have spent your whole life prioritizing what other people think is real or normal or acceptable, you might not even know the answers to these questions anymore.
Healing from a lifetime of neurodivergent gaslighting is possible. It takes time and intentionality, but you can learn to trust your own perceptions again.
Here is what has helped me, and what I have heard from other neurodivergent people:
This is the single most powerful thing you can do. Find other neurodivergent people who get it.
When you say, "That light is really hurting my eyes," and another autistic person says, "Yes, it is terrible. I cannot stay in here," something shifts.
For the first time, maybe ever, you are not being told your perceptions are wrong. You are being validated. You are being seen.
This is why communities like NeuroKind exist. This is why online neurodivergent spaces are so valuable. When you are surrounded by people who share your reality, it becomes harder to doubt yourself.
Keep a journal or notes app where you write down what happens and how you feel.
When you start questioning yourself later ("Did that actually happen? Was it really that bad?"), you can go back and read what you wrote at the time.
This is particularly helpful with medical gaslighting. Write down your symptoms before appointments. Take notes during appointments. Get copies of your records. When a doctor dismisses you, you have evidence of what you actually experienced.
Knowledge is power. The more you understand about how your brain works, the harder it becomes for others to gaslight you.
When you know that sensory overload is a real autistic trait, it is harder to believe someone who says, "It is not that loud."
When you know that executive dysfunction is a real ADHD symptom, it is harder to believe someone who says, "You are just lazy."
When you know that emotional dysregulation and RSD are real experiences, it is harder to believe someone who says, "You are overreacting."
Educate yourself. Read books by neurodivergent authors. Follow neurodivergent creators. Learn from people who share your brain.
You do not have to convince anyone of your reality. And you do not have to accept their version of reality as truth.
Try this phrase: "That is your experience. This is mine."
They say: "It is not that loud."
You say: "That is your experience. For me, it is loud enough to hurt."
They say: "You are overreacting."
You say: "That is how it seems to you. For me, this is really overwhelming."
You do not have to argue. You do not have to prove anything. You can just state your truth and hold space for both experiences to be real for each person.
If you are working with a therapist or doctor who does not understand neurodivergence, find a new one. This is not always easy or accessible, but it is worth pursuing if you can.
A neurodiversity-affirming professional will not tell you:
Instead, they will:
Healing from gaslighting is not linear. Some days, you will feel confident and trust yourself completely. Other days, those old doubts will creep back in.
This is normal. When you have heard "you are overreacting" your whole life, it does not disappear overnight.
On the hard days, try talking to yourself like you would talk to a friend who was going through the same thing.
Would you tell your friend, "You are probably making it up"? Or would you say, "I believe you. Your feelings are real"?
Give yourself that same kindness.
I spent most of my life questioning myself. I thought I was too sensitive, too dramatic, too much. I thought everyone experienced the world the way I did, and they were just handling it better.
Finding the neurodivergent community changed everything. For the first time, I was around people who said, "Yes, I feel that too. You are not alone."
Slowly, I started to trust myself. I started to believe my own perceptions. I started to understand that the problem was not me - it was the messages I had been receiving my whole life.
If you are in that place of questioning yourself, I want you to know this: you are not crazy. Your reality matters. And there are people who will see you and believe you exactly as you are.
Keep trusting yourself. Even when it is hard. Even when others doubt you. Your lived experience is the ultimate truth. Nobody else gets to tell you how you should feel or what you should experience.
You know your brain better than anyone. Trust that.
💗 Let's all be kind!
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